I Just have so many Ideas and- oh look! A Bumblebee!

I’ve written a few little pieces on what it’s like to be depressed. How I feel when I’m feeling down. And, even though I’ve far from exhausted all the ways of describing depression, I feel like it’s time for me to talk about flip side of bipolar disorder. Because, as you probably already know, bipolar disorder isn’t just depression. No matter how powerful the depression is, there’s a shift that occurs. A shift to another mood that’s just as powerful as the depression was.

Depression is extremely powerful. It consumes you and leaves you with almost no energy or power to do anything about it. You’re left lying there, crying. Or sleeping without really getting any rest. Constant worrying and anxiety. Always trying to fight the urge to give up completely; that get’s exhausting after a few weeks. After a few months. You just want to stay in bed and hide, because somehow hiding is easier than putting your feelings on display. There’s still a huge stigma attached to mental health so you do feel an element of shame. That you shouldn’t be feeling the way you do on a daly basis.

So yes, that is the one side of bi-polar disorder. The transition can sometimes be fast and sometimes, thankfully, gradual. The transition period is the best because you feel the most in control. You feel like maybe, you’ve found a happy place where your emotions aren’t dictating your every move. The transition, even when it’s long, isn’t nearly long enough. The manic phase sets in, sometimes, without you even noticing it. I think it starts with your focus. I kind of turn into Hammy the squirrel from Over the Hedge. Just all the thoughts, all the ideas, all the time, in overdrive. Can’t sleep because of all the energy. I can’t focus on one thing for very long. Sitting in class without making jokes or going to the washroom (just to walk around) is nearly impossible. Running around in every direction, feeling a sense of wild abandon because my creativity is in overdrive.

Writing songs, writing stories, writing jokes. Learning new songs, planning things, cleaning, baking, exercising upwards of 3 times a day because I’ve just got that much extra energy. Going to bed at 4:00am, literally shaking with energy, only to wake up again and 6:00am to go for a swift power walk. I feel amazing at first. Invincible. In a weird way, when I feel like this, I feel the most confident. Everything seems like it’s going my way. I keep going, going, going, none stop, never getting tired. I realize I’m not in control, but I’m ok with it because my creativity is fueling my every move.

So that’s where I’m at right now. Thrilled because the future looks exciting. Even though I know that this is only temporary, I feel amazing nonetheless. I know this isn’t healthy either. Running on two hours of sleep. That’s just not ok. But it feels fine for now and I’m going to relish in the feeling of being kept up nights due to creativity. I’m losing weight, achieving things and moving forward a thousand miles per hour.

I’m also learning how to deal with this side of bipolar because I actually think that the depression is a result of the exhaustion that happens as a result of the manic phase.  That sentence makes little sense. But I don’t care. Moving on. Oh look, a butterfly. Alright, I’m going to go do Yoga in the park and then go to Ikea, and then write a few chapters in my book, and then write some jokes, and learn some more songs, and bake some bread and make a three course meal and swipe mindlessly on tinder because it’s a hilarious pastime of mine.

Cool.